Yesterday saw my village getting together for the annual get together on the green. There was a band playing, and a marquee called The Pudding Tent, where most people donate some kind of pudding thing for everyone to dig into. People turn up with picnics and drinks, or use the local pub that faces on to the green, for refreshments. It's always a good event, so I decided (after a few years absence) that I would go along.
And man, it was busy! I went down with my daughter who was helping out at the pub for the night, and as I live at the top of the street that joins the green, I thought, 'Perfect! I'll just go down in my wheelchair. It'll be fine.' Fine it was not. My daughter had to jog to keep up, and I had underestimated how steep it was, and just how many potholes there were. Still, I had time to think about my decision when I hit a kerb at speed, nearly flew out of my chair, whilst being serenaded by my daughters shrieking.

Anyway, I got to the green and was met by some kids who had seen my descent, and decided, on their bikes and scooters, to challenge me to a race. I was up for that, but sadly I was left eating their dust, as they left me standing. Or rather, sitting.

I saw several groups of people that I knew, and have known for a loooong time, since before I had to accommodate MS, so it was good to see them and chat about any old thing.

And of course, it was a perfect place to do a wheelchair challenge! I gave up my wheels in favour of a  garden chair and the games commenced! I thought I'd go easy on them, when I set the route, so I  decided they should just go up the slightly battered road and back. At first glance, EASY! No grass, no kerbs, not very far. However, the first contestant revealed it to be trickier than it looked. People seemed to find it incredibly difficult to even go in a straight line…..one person turned around, so they were backwards and a bit stuck. The winner was declared, but as a man who does The Iron Man thingy it may have been too easy for him, but he assured me it was difficult, much harder than he'd thought it would be. His daughter, (6 1/2) put me through my paces too, as she was asking questions. 'Why do you use a wheelchair?' 'What's wrong with your legs?' 'But I saw you stand up. Why can you stand up, but not walk?'

I was set my own challenge when I needed a wee. I had to go in the back of the pub but luckily, the tradesman entrance was right by the mens loo…..that'll do….. I'm not fussed, especially as a man checked it was empty, and then kept guard for me…..I came out to find a queue of men, who were looking a bit confused.

I had another challenge getting home. My friend came with me, and thank goodness he did, I HATE BEING PUSHED, but I could not have got home without his help. Especially as there are five steps to get to my front door and a path too, I can honestly say I have never found it SO bloody difficult. Normally, I can do it with the help of crutches and a hand rail, but last night both feet seemed stuck to the floor, and my legs were reluctant to bend, so this made the steps bloody hard work. Thank goodness for my friend again! The good man had stayed home with the little man, and I can definitely say there's no place like home.

But apparently, my home is fine for me, according to the local authority, who, apart from the hand rail, and the offer of a stair lift inside (that was then withdrawn), refuse to accept I need help. Surely I should be able to get in and out on my own? And access all of my home? And garden? Well, I can't. Do you call that fine? Aren't I just a bloody demanding diva?

That's what I call a challenge.

So it's the middle of the night here (3.45am) and whilst the rest of the house is sleeping, I AM NOT. So I toss and turn thinking about the day. I went out with the little man, and we were chauffeured by one of my girls. She was most excited as she hadn't witnessed me using a mobility scooter before, but I was less thrilled. I still can't really get my head round it.

Still, get my head round it I must, as it's one of my girl's birthdays soon, and that was the reason for the shopping trip…..there are presents to be found. And my driver is heading off on a girls holiday soon, so I got her a dress for that. I gave her a choice…….dress or fuel?….dress or fuel? It somehow ended up dress AND fuel. Mission completed, we head for home.

I also had friends visiting for the evening. One had knackered her shoulder so I gave her some reflexology, and that really helped. BOOM! I felt dead chuffed with that. Seeing friends is wicked, but it can also leave me feeling like I am left behind from the real world, so to help someone out, also helps me out, because I feel like I have something to offer, and that feels good, y'know?

When I was tucked up in bed, WIDE AWAKE, I spent an hour or so on Rightmove. I was looking at houses in my price range, but stupidly, at ones in Cornwall. I'm an idiot. I love Cornwall, but sadly, I can't move 4 girls and their lives too, so Cornwall will have to wait. They can leave me for their own adventures, but I won't leave them.  Not even for Cornwall……...and it's beaches, and it's icecream/chip stealing sea gulls/the Tate Modern/all year round flip flops…..well, maybe I could be persuaded……..the girls can always visit, it'd be just like a holiday home for them ;)
Cornwall is a bit of an oddity as far as ms is concerned. Globally, the further away from the equator, the higher the incidence of ms. In this country, Scotland runs true to form with this statistic, but Cornwall is the closer to the equator, but the incidence is really high. It doesn't make sense, but I'm sure, in time it will be understood. I reckon the Cornish peeps are chuffed, something to keep us Northern types away, and stop us from eating all their ice-cream and scones, and taking over their beaches.

The little man has nursery tomorrow, so I can catch up on sleep then. There is a bird nattering away and annoyingly twanging the aerial just above my bedroom, but, in spite of that, I'll give sleep another chance…...

In my last post I said that I need to get on with practicing my driving. The Good Man and I went to pick up an Indian take away and I DROVE!! ALL THE WAY THERE AND BACK!! The fact that I was grimacing for the whole journey, we can overlook. It's so tricky, if you ever get the opportunity to drive an adapted car, take it, and you'll see what I mean! Still, I did it…..BOOM! GO ME!!

For those of you wondering how my car may be adapted, I have a lever that accelerates and brakes, and this lever also has a control for the indicators. I have a choice of attachments for the steering wheel and this is uncomfortable to hold (often leaving me feeling like I have little control - sort of like I'm one step removed from driving).

It feels as if I'm trying to learn to drive again, and I'm fighting against years of driving the conventional way, and the adapted way feels unnatural. My friend who taught my daughter to drive and is preparing to teach my next daughter to drive (good luck) is coming over to accompany me in driving again and to cheer me on, and hold my hand, and I can't wait.

I've broken the back of driving…..next challenge….taking the little man to a park……
Wish us luck!

Following on from my previous post, I want to say a big thank you to my girl for that crumble, it was delicious, as was the bolognaise she made the next night. So it's fair to say, that as I write this post, I'm feeling fat and happy.

Happy. That's a funny one. I have so much to be thankful for, that makes me truly happy, but sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with loss. The biggest loss, that's had the biggest impact, is the loss of walking. This means a myriad of other losses…..

A, Walking along whilst holding hands with the good man, or the little man. My hands are either taken up with crutches or with the wheelchair.

B, Umbrellas. Seriously. What a thing to miss! My hands are always busy, (see A), hat hair it is then. Could be worse I suppose……I look ok in a beret, but most hats are too big for my pin head.

C, Not being able to take the little man in the garden, or down to the park (both are inaccessible). This really gets me, as he is such an outdoor boy.

D, Midwifery. I loved this, but you can't deliver babies whilst in a wheelchair/on crutches. I got into my second year of training, was diagnosed in my first…..that's how quick my descent has been. I would initially walk the corridors (yes, WALK) and I'd be literally bouncing off the walls, like I was drunk.

E, Driving. The loss of this ability makes the world SOOOOO small. And it doesn't make sense to me, the car is adapted……why can't I do it? Writing this has made me determined to try……AGAIN……Driving an adapted car is very different to how you drive 'normally'. Bravery AND practice needed.

F, Independence. I have gone from being very independent to being so dependent. E has something to do with this……so I best get on with practicing my driving then….

I'll let you know how it goes….. 

Yesterday, after the rain had done it's thing, was a good day. All of my family were here, except for the good man, and we were able to get in the garden. I sat on the door step and watched as they messed about…..rides in the wheelbarrow, kicking a ball about and eating ice-cream.

The little man is a real outdoor boy, so to see him running around is just great, his fat little feet in sandals, and he thinks the soil in the plant pots is the best thing EVER. He even manages to get the soil in his nappy…..bath time needed tonight then.

The good man got back from work earlier than expected too, which was a BONUS.

Today is the complete opposite. I'm alone in the house. And it's odd.

One weekend. A game of two halves. Polar opposites. A bit like my life. The 'used to be' life v's 'how it is now' life.

And the silence is broken…..one phone call and one text within minute of each other alert me to four people descending any minute now. And so we begin a re run of yesterday.

So anyway, what I am trying to say is make the most of what you have, whilst you have it. I did not make the most of my mobility when I had it. Well, it's rather that I took it for granted. I suspect most people do. My advice is, don't.

Now please excuse me, as there's strawberries to look at, and one of my girls has a new boyfriend to introduce. And one girl is pulling rhubarb to make a crumble, and I need to give instructions if she hopes for an edible pudding.

P.s….The boyfriend, by the way, got the thumbs up from me.

Comparisons. Generally, they are helpful and especially useful when it comes to making decisions. However, sometimes the opposite is true, and instead of trying to decide which option is best, you are faced with a between a rock and a hard place situation. And that's a bit crappy.

What kicked off this limited train of thought, was that when I wake, the first few seconds are blissful. Just lying there, awake and sandwiched between The Good Man and The Little Man. Heaven.

And then I try to move, and it all comes rushing back, crashing through and mindlessly constricting my everything. You'd think I'd be used to it. But no. I've adjusted, yes. But used to it? No. I hate it. And to accept that this is the best I'm going to be? Marvellous. Fucking marvellous.

So anyway……back to comparisons……in the olden days, I would often be up at 5.30am after not getting in from a shift until 11pm. Straight in the shower, breakfast, dress, makeup and hair, note to the girls and off I go to another shift. Care for mothers, deliver babies, be a mum, food shopping, gym and a social life. Life was busy and I loved it like that.

Nowadays….hhhhmmmm…..I can shower on my own, mostly, and dress myself, mostly. Food shopping is mostly done online, and there is no gym. Social life still exists, but it has suffered shrinkage, like a gastric band has been fitted to my friendship group. Life is not busy and I loathe it like this. But still, I try to make the most of it, as this is the best it's going to be. Unless there is a medical breakthrough/miracle. And there will be. But in my lifetime? Dunno…...

Alongside this is the development of The Little Man. He is becoming more active and climbs on whatever he can, the dog is his best mate, and today when there was a little girl asleep on the TV, he started snoring.  And he gives the best hugs, whilst patting and saying ahhhhh. This is reserved for family, including the dog. His development is going to continue, and so is that of Multiple Sclerosis, and that's just how it is.

So, I'd best make the most of it, as it is now. Because one day I may look back on these days and remember them as golden.

It's Sunday afternoon, and it's taken me this long to not recover fully from a trip, (scooter bound) from yesterday, that, may I add, lasted all of 40 minutes. Short and sweet it may have been, but it was still an eyeopener.

First up was the little girl that said to her mum, "Why is that lady in there? Is she poorly?' Cue the little girl being whisked away and being told not to stare. And hands up, I was a twat, and ignored the whole thing, when in retrospect, I realise was probably wrong. I should have spoken to the girl, and answered any questions she may of had. Otherwise she may grow up believing that she cannot talk to people who are a bit, well, different to the 'norm' and you best ignore them.

Then I got stuck in a disabled loo. It was really quite big, but sadly not big enough to manoeuvre a scooter around in with ease. So, I bent the basket of the scooter in my efforts to turn around. Then when I got to the door it wouldn't stay open. Luckily, a young lady shopper was alerted to my difficulties, as she probably heard me swearing, and she held the door open for me. Thank you! So I popped the dent out of the basket, and carried on.

Next up was the shoe shop that we were taking the little man too. We had some faulty shoes to return but the kids department was really busy, so replacing them proved tricky. BUT hats off to the young lady assistant, who was very helpful, offering to clear obstacles and fetch shoes, and just making me feel involved, rather than a bystander. Gold star to her.

Accessorize was a bloody nightmare. I wanted some hair clips, and thankfully, they were on the first display, but however, all the displays were so rammed together, it was difficult to move, and get to the till. Even if you were a walking size 8 contortionist, it would have been tricky. Spacka friendly, it was not. Still, I got some very nice clips, and only knocked one thing over, (which I picked up, of course, I'm not an animal). So, all in all, not a complete disaster.

Back in to the shopping centre and amongst a very strange breed of people. Despite being a wide load (due to the scooter, you understand) people kept walking AT me, as if they were stuck on a track and must not deviate from the course they wish to take, NOT FOR ANYTHING! So I'm weaving in and out of people and resisting the urge to mow people down.

So, yesterday was a real mixed bag, which saw me saying, "Remind me NEVER to go out on a Saturday AGAIN!" and I really meant it, but then I remembered I'm going to my sisters and we have a date with Meadowhall and bra shopping, also on a Saturday...... I think I'll have some fun though by extending the wheelchair challenge to scooter challenge and the first contestant will be my sister. I can hear her squeal with 'excitement' from here.....

On the way home we went to an ELC and Mothercare shop. I had gift cards from Christmas for the little man and spending them was a joy. I guess they are used to catering for people with bumps and pushchairs and this transfers to,

a, room for pushchairs = room for me, or anyone in a wheelchair/on a scooter/or crutches/or a stick.

b, toilets! In a shop!

c, helpful, friendly staff.

d, Displays on the shop floor, that I can reach. I only need help reaching the wall displays , and this     

in itself is a gem, as it enables independence, and independence is underrated until it's under threat.

One of the things I got for the little man was a set of school children, and one child was in a wheelchair. How could I not buy them?! 10/10 to ELC for that bit of inclusive thinking.....genius!

If more shops were like this, it would be a amazing. Not to mention a joy. I cannot overestimate how incredible it is to go somewhere, and to be welcomed, served, and treated like any old customer. And for that, I'm happy to spend my pennies there. And isn't that what makes a shop successful?