Go on….GUESS!! Where do you think I am………?

So yep…..I'm still in hospital! I've been moved around a bit, and this is the 3rd bed I've been in. I'm in a four bed ward, and initially I had it to myself, but now there are three of us. And as much as I hate to admit this, I have settled into the rhythm of being in hospital. I know the staff. I know the menus. I think I even know the stock that the shops carry. But to be fair, there are only two shops. And, fantastically, the whole place is completely accessible, I can wheel around to my hearts content, all be it crashing through the doorways.

Some good has come out of this enforced hospital stay……

1, I am having physiotherapy three times a week…..

2, My brother came to visit. And as we had dinner, I realised this was the first time in ages that we had been alone together. The last time would have been pre kids and pre partners, so about 25 years.  

3, The Good Man has had some breathing space. This means sleeping in the middle of the bed, and watching whatever he pleases on the TV, without me rolling my eyes.

4, My sister also came to see me when I was on a day visit home. It's always good to see her, especially if she sews up the rip in my dress, caused by not quite stretching over my tit.


And now for the bad……….

5, I am ONLY having physiotherapy three times a week…….


But that's it. I am so blessed that this fantastic hospital is only twenty minutes away from home. I hope to leave later this week……in time for the little man's third birthday.


But this whole thing has got me thinking, and not for the first time, about how lucky we are, when we are born, raised and live within a country that provides free health care. And bloody good health care it is too. And to know that it is under threat really pisses me off. And to also know that the threat comes from within, from home grown Tory wankers pisses me off even more.


So, what to do? I don't know the answer to this I'm afraid. All I know is that I feel pretty helpless, and worried. Being worried is not enough. I, we, need to effect some kind of forward thinking change for the greater good of the whole country…...


If you have any suggestions, please leave me a note…...                          

Yeah.....I went AWOL for a while.....sorry.

Long time, no words. And by long time, I mean 5 months. 5 bloody months! Surely I could have found something to write about in that time, but no. I mean, things happened but I had lost the ability to assemble my words.

As I write this, I'm in hospital. Have been all week. And will be for the next two or three. There are  both good and bad things about this……...

GOOD......
I have my own room and my own bathroom.

The food is not so bad.

The staff are great. Mostly.

There's a Starbucks on the ground floor of the hospital.

I'm starting intensive physiotherapy whilst I'm here.

AND they aren't crazy about children visiting on the ward, so I've been given a pass to go out……as long as I come back in the evening………so this means I SEE MY LITTLE MAN TOMORROW!!

BAD........
I miss my room, and everything in it. Especially the good man. Especially at bed time. I swear his arms are therapeutic. In fact, I miss my whole home. And everything/everyone in it. And the dog.

The drinks. How can tea taste SO BAD?

One nurse kept moving my wheelchair away from my bed, and therefore, out of reach. Because 'I was at risk from falls.' So when I said 'What if I need a wee?'  'Oh just do it in the bed. We can clean that up, I just don't want you to fall.'
And this shows you how crap I was feeling because I didn't chew her bloody face off whilst challenging her thinking.....
'So you think it's ok for me to sit in my own piss? That's bad for my skin, bad for my feelings of self worth, and BAD, SO BAD, because it's totally unnecessary. AND I won't fall if I'm in my wheelchair AND YES, I do transfer just fine....THANKS FOR FUCKING ASKING!!

There's a Starbucks. It's going to take ALL my money.

Physio.....nothing bad about it. Except the mirror at the end of the parallel bars, so I can see how wonky I am. And also how fat/old/tired I look. And how badly my hair needs doing.

I haven't seen my little man since I've been here. And that hurts. Really hurts, like a punch in the throat.


But on balance, the good out weighs the bad.

Win some, lose some.

The last few months have been difficult due to MS dealing me a crappy hand. My days have been filled with sleep, whenever possible, and dealing with the symptoms of MS……

1. First up…..My legs are incredibly stiff and sore, so sore that the muscles feel tightly tightly wound into knotted little balls. It's painful and uncomfortable, and sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. And, I am sporting some large, but inexplicable bruises. Which looks delightful.

2. Non restorative sleep. Now this is one hell of a ball ache….always knackered, despite sleep…….and always feeling like I'm missing out, which of course, I am.

3. And I've fallen over. twice. Once, I was alone in the bedroom. I fell backwards and hit the bedside unit. This wasn't too bad as a fall, as I did bend my legs, so it was more of a 1950's graceful actress faint. The bedside unit remained intact too. And I was dead chuffed about that, as it's an old cheese cupboard and pretty gorgeous.
The second time was one of those slow motion thingies, BUT. YOU. CAN'T. DO. ANYTHING. TO.  CHANGE. IT. I'd stood up out of my wheelchair to put my coat on. One arm in. No bother…..all good. So I go to put the next arm in. It's partially in (think T-Rex….) and I start to lose my balance. I can't save myself, due to one arm being stuck in a sleeve, and I fall straight back, no bending of the knees. and smack the back of my head on the arm of the sofa. And that REALLY hurt! And, to add insult to bloody injury, I couldn't get up. Luckily, people were here to help me< but I felt like a right twat, and my head REALLY hurt.

4. Cog fog. This is when you can't remember shit…..and it makes for a crazy time…..ask any of my family. Except the good man actually. He doesn't get frustrated with me over this. At the moment…. ;)

5. Independence to shower and get dressed…..sometimes this is no bother, and sometimes I struggle like mad, and just can't manage it. This I find really tricky to deal with, as it seems too big of an assault on my independence. And it makes me feel more than a bit grim.


So yeah, I've had that little lot going on, and a myriad of other issues too, and I've had a blank mind, which has been represented by a blank page. Or rather, a blank screen.
But now, I'm back, and this is my 100th post, and I hope/plan to maintain writing my words.

Xx

Sayings that hit the spot…..

I recently stumbled on to two sayings that I hadn't heard before, but they really made think, and I feel at ease with their punchy to the point kind of way…..….

So the first one was,

'Beauty and Ugliness.'

I have this is SPADES……the ugliness that has intruded into my life, and has altered and changed so VERY much and has bought so many changes. I have lost so much, but it has also allowed me to have the BEAUTY of time with my boy, and my growing, ever changing family. And I'm here.

The second one was,

'A strong back, and a soft front.'

Oh to master this one……well, I think my back is pretty strong, but it could be stronger still, and to have a soft front would, I think make you approachable. And again, I'm not too bad here (you have to ask my family for confirmation of this, or otherwise here….) but I could be better! The right combination here is essential! Can you imagine the potential mess right there, just waiting for you to cock up. Ugh, the beauty of having a family, or people in your life……you never stop learning.

And I guess that's the thing….you can always learn. You can always teach. But you never stand still. You know stuff, but you don't know it all. Never will. Understand that, and life will be peachy.

Sometimes people amaze you with their brilliance…..and right now I'm amazed with my girls. They have just organised and taken part in a 24 hour sponsored bike ride for the MS Trust. And it's all in preparation for their bike ride from London to Paris in 2016. London to Paris? That a bloody long way! But what an achievement that will be!

So right now I'm feeling pleased with my lot. I went over and saw them on the static bikes, and cheered them on. I chatted to people I'd known for a while and also to new people.

It's amazing what can be done when people pull together, and how it can make people feel. I'm sure the girls feel good, and so pleased. As do I :)

Thanks to……

*The Daventry Rugby club, for allowing the girls to hold the event there.

*The Training Shed for the loan of two exercise bikes.

*Everyone who gave their time and support, riding, sponsoring, supporting, providing refreshments.

*Special love and thanks to my girls, their partners and the good man.


https://www.facebook.com/cycleldntoparis?fref=tsp

Why does walking equal worthwhile?

I would guess that the title would give you an indicator of how this is going to go, and that maybe, JUST MAYBE I am a little bit pissed off.

I am from a small town, and whilst the vast majority of people I meet are helpful, there are exceptions to this rule, as there always is, and these exceptions make me want to stab myself in the face. Or maybe not. But you get the idea….

Just because I am using a wheelchair or a scooter, it doesn't mean that my mind and voice don't work. And even if they didn't, it doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate being talked to. Not about, in or out of earshot. Or at. But to.

I can't imagine that this has a difference internationally, so this is my plea to all you readers. If you should meet anyone that appears different, or without some ability, and you have something to say, or ask, PLEASE talk TO that person. I promise you, that it will be appreciated.

I tell you what's not appreciated. Sometimes, I catch people do a double take of me and the Good Man. And I even had one of these double take fuckwits say to me, "He's good, isn't he? Being with you." To which I replied. "No. He's LUCKY to be with ME." I could've said SO much more, but we were in a public place….

Today was an exception, with people treating me well and like a normal. And that's sad. Because it should not be an exception. It should be normal. Because, I am NORMAL….. ish. I have thoughts. I have feelings. I have a voice. What I don't have are working legs. That's all. And even if it wasn't, it doesn't mean that it's ok to treat me, or ANYONE ELSE as less.

And to think, I'm the one that's described as being without ability.

A girl can dream...

After a busy busy time of late, I'm pleased to report, that thanks to the help of our amazing friends, we have moved! Everything is in, and in it's place. So whilst the necessary building work is under way at our house, so we can sell it, I am viewing this as a six month holiday from reality. I have a garden I can get in to, and a loo, both downstairs AND upstairs…..What more do I need? And it is GLORIOUS here!! Tiny, but glorious. And now I have internet, and a phone, I can dip in and out of the world.

So, the building work has started, and already loads has been achieved. Now, if the building work could be completed, the house sold, and a new place bought and moved into, in time with our six month tenancy here ending……well, that would be AMAZEBALLS! I'm not asking for much really…..
And it would appear that I've left my writing mojo behind. It's probably packed away in a box of various bits and bobs….

I don't know if it's because I've kicked backed and relaxed a bit, but I am just chillin' here…..
I mean I look at houses on the internet…..the good man has been to the house that's undergoing a facial and backside uplift…..and it's looking great! But until it's sold there's not much more to do….except enjoy my time here….

Which is a little tricky when I've heard someone refer, correctly, in my opinion, to MS and all the varied and great joy it brings, as a prison sentence. A sentence that is life long, and is issued randomly with no crime being committed. At least sometimes MS behaves enough for me to get day release.

And that brings me neatly to my wonderings/wishings…….What would I do if I didn't have MS for a day? Well, call me crazy, but probably nothing grand….

1, Go for a walk, holding hands with the good man and the little man….on a beach! Or anywhere actually…...
2, Have a shower. Standing up.
3, Drive.
4, Go to the gym. Swim. Do yoga.

I AM ONE CRAYZEE MO FO. Now if I had a week I could probably be found on some beach in Cornwall….I LOVE it there…..I could just sit and look and think and look and look some more…..like so…..

A girl can dream…...