Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Happy days are here again! Well, nearly.

Don't get me lots of ways I feel blessed......but in other ways....not so much blessed, and more than a bit fucked off. 
And I know, I KNOW which one of those two I feed, will gain in strength. But, bloody hell, can I please be allowed to want to scream? I mean, talk about picking your moments......I am on the cusp of everything getting so much easier.....a downstairs bedroom and shower room, access sorting so I can independently come and go.......and what do I do?? I become a miserable sod. Why do I want to scream? Because sometimes I feel like a child. Being driven. Help to get dressed. Helped to get undressed and into pjs. Helped into and out of the shower.  Not picking my own bedtime because I need help to get up the stairs. Being stuck upstairs, because I'm in a coma and everybody goes to work ( The Good Man has hoovered around me and I still don't wake)......I can get myself downstairs by bumping down on my bottom, but I can't get the wheelchair downstairs. When that happens, I'm stuck upstairs till someone comes home. 
You know how kids really look forward to Christmas, but it's Christmas Eve when they can't sleep? Yeah, that's easier life is just around the corner, but I'm losing my shit, and AAAARRRRGGHHHHH!!!

I think I may have a problem. I think I don't function too well when there's nothing to fight for. And you know, to just enjoy being. 
There are so many things that I'm looking forward to this year....decorating bedrooms and bathrooms......a family wedding....a mini is just ticking along bloody nicely.

Until about 8 months ago, it was all just fight, fight, FIGHT. And had been for years. So yeah, I guess I need to learn to drop my guard, appreciate and chill. Or as The Good Man and I refer to this......Taking Care of The Everyday Glue. Cause that's what holds us together. It's not the big, grand gestures, although they are brilliant, but worth so much less without the everyday glue. Do you know what I mean by everyday glue? It's the little things that people do, just because they love you....the first cup of tea of the day, that's just magically there when you wake up/come round from a coma, picking up the dog poo, doing the dishes, pumping up the tyres of your wheelchair, arranging nights out.

So, tomorrow, my friend is here ALL DAY, and we are going out to play(friendship glue).At least until the little man comes home from a sleepover at his big sister's. He was SO excited, he only just managed to say bye, before he ran down the street. And I'm happy with that. And The Good Man gets to have a much needed lie in......and he is happy with that!

And, it's starting to get sunny!!

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Count your blessings…

Annoyingly, I'd just finished writing a post, and on clicking preview, it disappeared, as annoying as it was, I didn't break down in tears like I did in the early days. Hhhhmmmmm…progress??

Right, so, back to the beginning…last week The Good Man and I went to Wagamamas, to celebrate his birthday. We parked the car, and next to us, was a homeless man. He was sat on a large bit of cardboard, and wrapped in a blanket. He looked to be in his thirties. How does this happen to people? HOW? I know the contributing factors are things like physical, emotional and sexual abuse, loss of a job, or a relationship break down or illegal eviction. There are some people that think, and have said to me, 'Oh no, it's because they're on drugs. Or drink. '

A look at the website for the charity SHELTER, tells me, that they had, and responded to 4 million requests for help last year. Can you imagine? So that's one charity, and in their list of contributing factors, they don't mention drugs or alcohol.

So, against the 'advice' of misinformed people, we chatted to the man for 5 minutes, gave him some money to get a hot drink. He went to a cafe nearby and we went for our meal.

Later when we got home, it was really raining. Lying in bed, and listening to our home take a really loud and sustained beating from the weather, I thought (and not for the first time) 'Thank fuck I'm not homeless.' and I sent up a prayer to the Goddess Fortuna. On researching a bit about Goddesses, I came across Isis. She is the Goddess of magic, and the giver of life, symbolising femininity, and empowerment. Which made me think that history is repeating itself. The Nazis took the swastika symbol, and made it their own. It now represents the horror of the second world war, ethnic cleansing, concentration camps and death. Initially, it was a symbol used by the peace loving religion, like Buddhism and it symbolised good fortune and well-being.

So, it's interesting that both Isis and Nazis started out with taking something that wasn't theirs to take, and carried on taking. The Nazis of the second world war were stopped. But this was not in time to prevent the deaths of millions of people. MILLIONS. Isis has also spread panic and fear throughout the western world. When will they be stopped?