Don't get me wrong......in lots of ways I feel blessed......but in other ways....not so much blessed, and more than a bit fucked off.
And I know, I KNOW which one of those two I feed, will gain in strength. But, bloody hell, can I please be allowed to want to scream? I mean, talk about picking your moments......I am on the cusp of everything getting so much easier.....a downstairs bedroom and shower room, access sorting so I can independently come and go.......and what do I do?? I become a miserable sod. Why do I want to scream? Because sometimes I feel like a child. Being driven. Help to get dressed. Helped to get undressed and into pjs. Helped into and out of the shower. Not picking my own bedtime because I need help to get up the stairs. Being stuck upstairs, because I'm in a coma and everybody goes to work ( The Good Man has hoovered around me and I still don't wake)......I can get myself downstairs by bumping down on my bottom, but I can't get the wheelchair downstairs. When that happens, I'm stuck upstairs till someone comes home.
You know how kids really look forward to Christmas, but it's Christmas Eve when they can't sleep? Yeah, that's me.....an easier life is just around the corner, but I'm losing my shit, and AAAARRRRGGHHHHH!!!
I think I may have a problem. I think I don't function too well when there's nothing to fight for. And you know, to just enjoy being.
There are so many things that I'm looking forward to this year....decorating bedrooms and bathrooms......a family wedding....a mini holiday......life is just ticking along bloody nicely.
Until about 8 months ago, it was all just fight, fight, FIGHT. And had been for years. So yeah, I guess I need to learn to drop my guard, appreciate and chill. Or as The Good Man and I refer to this......Taking Care of The Everyday Glue. Cause that's what holds us together. It's not the big, grand gestures, although they are brilliant, but worth so much less without the everyday glue. Do you know what I mean by everyday glue? It's the little things that people do, just because they love you....the first cup of tea of the day, that's just magically there when you wake up/come round from a coma, picking up the dog poo, doing the dishes, pumping up the tyres of your wheelchair, arranging nights out.
So, tomorrow, my friend is here ALL DAY, and we are going out to play(friendship glue).At least until the little man comes home from a sleepover at his big sister's. He was SO excited, he only just managed to say bye, before he ran down the street. And I'm happy with that. And The Good Man gets to have a much needed lie in......and he is happy with that!
And, it's starting to get sunny!!