Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Be grateful, feel lucky and share.


Yeah, so the title of this blog.....Be grateful, feel lucky and share......kind of sums it all up for me. So much so that I don't really feel the need to write this blog post.....ha, not goes like this.....

Be grateful.

So I've sort of come full circle first home for myself and my two girls, was a 3 bed roomed home now is a three bedroomed semi. And there has been many homes along the way. But where I am now, and my circumstances are a million miles away from my starting point. And for that I'm so grateful. Cos I mean, whilst I really appreciate the help I had to start me off in my first home, I did not appreciate that a man got murdered in his garden in my street, I did not appreciate my girls getting their toys stolen from the garden. And I did not appreciate a lack of sleep the whole time I was there. This was due to not feeling as safe as I did, when I lived with my parents.
But I am grateful for the opportunities I had here. EVERYWHERE was in walking distance! This kept me fit and independent. And I met my very best friend here. And we are still friends much so, she walked me down the aisle to the good man. And friends that guide you through stormy times, that never change, that are always there, and always honest, are priceless. And if they are also willing to inject me in hard to reach places, no matter how dodgy it looks, as I bare my arse in a corridor of a pub, that's hosting a quiz, that I am always wanted at, despite the fact that I can't answer one single question. And this makes me feel loved. And the fact that those people are still around, makes me feel so bloody grateful. You know who you are, and I love you.

And yeah, I do feel lucky! I may have lost some of my physical ability (walking mostly), and I may have lost my first husband, BUT whilst the first loss is more than a bit annoying sometimes I feel lucky, because it could've been, and still could be, so much worse. As for losing the first husband, turns out it wasn't a loss, and it cleared the way for bigger and better things.....

Sharing.......I get to share time with all my girls, their families, my little man, the good man, good friends, and even our hairy dog. I have enough people around me to make me feel grateful and lucky, because of what they share with me....their time......their ideas......their families.........their good times......and bad.

Despite the many difficult circumstances I've faced, it is friends that have made the difference between me sinking or swimming. But I am a strong swimmer, or was, and I didn't get bogged down for too long, thank feck.

And I confess to greed here, because I love it. ALL OF IT!

Today has been one of those days. I'm sure you know what I mean. You know....where stabbing yourself in the preferable...

So, I write my blog......all good.....and then it bloody well deletes itself. How, I don't know, but there I am, looking at a blank screen. And I can't do anything about it now, as I have an appointment to see the neurologist. So off I go, and only to be told I've reached the end of the line, treatment wise, because the risk of catching death is just too great. Great. So I'm now free-styling my way through this unreasonable, life stealing disease, AND I can't sign into blogger. I am having such a great day. So, fuck it. I'm having buckets of crabbies, chocolate and whatever else takes my fancy at Sainsburys.
Yes, that's right. I'm WILD!

Right, so, I've just got back from the MRI, nothing to show for that little treat, except my bra is now in a bag, and Sainsburys……jellybeans, and a new jumper……a much better goodie bag here. And yes, my bra was still in a bag. Thank goodness I was wearing a coat. Anyway, the good man is out tonight, and the little man is also out, on a sleepover with one of his big sisters. So that leaves me, alone with the TV. Daughter number 4 is here, but if she leaves her room, lap top, or bed, remains to be seen. I won't hold my breath though….

So earlier today, I was comparing and contrasting, my first home with where I am now. On paper it would appear the 2 houses are similar……both 3 bed semis, and sharing the street with nurseries and schools. But that's it. My girls toys were stolen from the garden. A man up the road was murdered in his front garden. And making eye contact, would sometimes be enough to start people shouting at me. 'Sorry. I didn't mean to smile at you.'

Where I am now, smiles, greetings, and offers of help come easily from other people. The woman that blocked our driveway, remains to be the only fly in the ointment here. And I can live with that.

What I am finding hard to live with, is that right now, there is no treatment that I can have. And frankly, I am more than a bit terrified.

Not waving, but drowning.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Light v's dark.

Today has been a bit of a rubbish day. I have a cold, a throat that feels like I've been downing shards of glass and I have face ache. All that can be summed up as a cold, but layer it on top of being spaztastic, and your body gives up a bit. Floored by a cold? Yep. And I feel more than a bit feeble.
Still, on the plus side the little man spent the day at nursery, and the good man was out and about, sorting out horses teeth.
One of my girls came over and hovered, and rearranged my kitchen.....which made me think of my mum, who hoards bloody Tupperware and old margarine pots 'because you never know'......and to be fair she does put them to good use, but a whole cupboard full mum?
Anyway, so back to me.......I've been lolling about in bed and I was thinking about all the many changes of late......
.....a new home😍 a new area.
.....a new nursery for the little man

.......and I also realised that I haven't read for AGES! So I ordered myself a couple of books. From the comfort of my pit. Which is an AMAZING thing to be able to do. Honestly...the generation below won't get how awesome this is!
And staying on the subject of reading, I read to my little man at bedtime. Well, I attempted it, but he wasn't really intrested. But to be fair, I do sound odd, so it could have been that. This is normally a routine that daddy undertakes, and as my little man kept calling me daddy, I realised I need to read to him more. Or it could have been that his sister was here.....the one that throws him about, and he loves her for soon as he sees her he says 'boing?' and gets himself into position for the attack that he hopes comes.

And I discovered through a group chat on what's app that 3 of my girls had a scary moment a few years ago....icy roads + car + young driver = something may go tits up. Anyway, needless to say they were all fine, but now I'm thinking how I can split them all up.....I mean, you don't put all your eggs in one basket do you? Well, in this case it was 3/4 of my eggs, but still....

Anyway this gave rise to me thinking about the very recent terrorist attacks in Paris. The loss of all those people, are going to be felt so keenly by the families that will forever have a shadow in it, and over it, left by those gone forever. I had never given much thought to weight of shadows.  Most shadows are cast by light playing with the presence of something. But these shadows are created by the loss of someone and I would imagine all light is absent.

Carrying around a shadow created by loss, I imagine is hard work, with the potential to make everything dark and cold. I hope those shadows get filled with love, happy memories, light  and warmth.