Friday, December 13, 2013

Today I saw a video that I want to share with you all because it resonates with me so very much. A different illness, but the lost feeling of being carefree is so very similar. To lose being carefree really takes it's toll. It is a feeling I have lost. I had not been able to vocalise the feeling, or give it gravitas.

I felt I had lost or misplaced a part of me, but I wasn't sure what it was. At least I now know what it is that I am missing. Or rather what it is that I'm carrying. In a sack. Like a dead weight that I have to carry everywhere. That I can never put down or forget. And sometimes, it prevents me from moving, breathing or feeling. Numb. It takes my breath away, and leaves me saddened.

This morning, I woke early. And as I lie there in the quiet, I felt good. I had not moved, so I could forget, albeit briefly, that my physical self was so very restricted. So whilst the house slowly began to stir, I allowed myself to dream about what I'd do if I was not restricted....

Well, the little man and I get dressed up against the cold, and we go to the park. We walk down to the horses at the end of the park and exchange a hello. We leave with hands smelling of horses, and with the feeling of them on our palms and fingers. A smell I love. A smell of my youthful, carefree days.

Back home, and I carry the little man up the stairs to bed for his morning nap. I gather the gifts that are piled in our bedroom, and carry them downstairs to begin a wrapping marathon. Writing tags, cutting paper and sellotape, the pile slowly shrinks. And I slowly begin to feel I'm winning.

The little man wakes, and I strap him in to the car, and go to a pub to meet friends for lunch.

...And that is how I spend my dreamtime...

I know how to dream don't I? The every day, normal things. They are sorely missed from my days. Absent. And the hole they have left, and the sack I carry is weighted with their loss. And to replace the loss of the normal, is a heavyhearted anxiousness. I want so much to put the sack down.

Be carefree. Not careless. But carefree.

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