Monday, June 10, 2013

I really thought I'd make my mark on the world. Not in a grand way. Just in a way that says, 'hello....I'm here.' By doing my job well, by being a good friend, by being a good mother, by being present and interested.

Unfortunately, the only mark I'm making is with my arse on the sofa.

And it really makes me feel left behind. The world really can get on just fine without me. Can you believe it? I can't.

I see other people getting on, going to work or the shops, going on holiday, going on picnics with their kids, y'know, just living, and I don't feel like I am living. I feel like I'm waiting. What for? Fuck knows. But there must be SOMETHING?

So feeling a bit grrrrr, I booked a tramper and had a ride around the countryside, in the best company, and it was lush. And I booked the good man to take me and the little man swimming....also lush. Wet poolside + crutches = interesting. And I'm due to start sailing soon. MMMmmmm kagool....not so lush. So I can get on and do, but I ALWAYS need other people. And that's restricting because other people have lives and jobs and aren't on hand 24/7, at your disposal, whim or fancy.

I miss my job SOOO badly. I miss my friends, and being a friend. I miss being the mother that isn't restricted physically. I miss independence and just being able to do things on my own.

It's hard to feel present when you feel absent. And it's hard to feel interested when you feel so far removed from interesting.

I really just don't know what to do, or how to be with this. How can I learn to be ok with being less?

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