Friday, April 12, 2013

Recently I was asked why my blog was called 'Balancing on the edge.' I explained why, and how it covers a multitude of sins and desires. And so I thought I'd best share it here too.
Since becoming an adult I have balanced motherhood, working, learning, friendships, know the usual stuff of life.

Well, since MS rudely entered the equation, I feel I've been on the edge of all that. My grip on it all feels decidedly loose.

The usual stuff of life I learned to balance, sometimes more successfully than others. But always feeling like I could learn and develop as I bumbled along. But now, no matter what I do, MS pops up to remind me who is really in charge now. And it's not me. And the irony that my balance is now non existent, is not lost on me either.

I have changed my diet, done exercise like you wouldn't believe, taken supplements, regular yoga and relaxation. And I have still played host to the most unreasonable, destructive, disrespectful house guest EVER.....aka, MS. Now I am on very strong form of medication for MS. And I hope beyond hope that it kicks some manners into the little shyte.

This is where the edge comes in. I can't work, and feel my friendships have suffered. As for's a double edged sword. I don't get bothered by the stuff that I now recognise as inconsequential. And as a result, I have a boy who smiles A LOT! But I don't feel able to be a proper, helpful, joining in, hands on mother. And that makes me very sad. At times, I have felt on the edge of my own life. And society. And sometimes I just want to jump off the edge. I am seen as different now, and that results in me being pushed to the edge of involvement with the everyday. The world is not an inclusive one.

So my world has shrunk, and this makes me protective of how I spend my time, and who I spend it with. Time is precious. A friend cleverly described people as 'drains or radiators.' If you drain me.....adios........if you radiate.......I'll love you forever. And a keeper you will be.

Without MS though, I doubt I would have met my husband, and had the ever smiling boy as a result. I would not have learnt how to say no, despite the lessons the universe sent me, and that I refused to learn. I have a greater appreciation of the little things and time and radiator people. And I feel more patient. Something that I'm sure my family would disagree with.

Well, you can't win them all....


  1. A poignant piece of writing dealing with some dark issues. 40 years into MS I still don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. Work with it? My ex said that I was "giving in to it". Fight it? How can I fight an enemy that I can't see, can't hear, who tells me lies and dissembles? No words of comfort from me I'm afraid Ellie -- but I understand every single word of what you are saying!

  2. Thanks for that billierosie......You're can you fight it? Best I can do is live alongside the annoying hijacker (I do loathe it though).
    Keep on keeping on billierosie ;)